Journal Reflection - What I am learning.

I have a full heart today because I feel like God is teaching me so much and I am growing so much and am on the brink of something great and I just want to write it all down so I don't forget it all.

Who would have imagined that I would learn so much through this study of Moses!  Or grow so much from learning about him?  Well, BSF this year is on Moses, and I feel like I am on a huge learning curve.  Moses was NOT a man that had it all together.  He murdered a man, he ran off into the desert, and he gave God tons of excuses on why he didn't want to obey him.  Aaron, on the other hand, was Moses' OLDER brother and seemed pretty obedient - he came and met with Moses in the desert without any excuses or complaining.  Yet God chose to use Moses, the spark-plug youngest brother of the family.  As it turns out, later Moses heard from God a lot more than his older brother and his older brother (possibly more compliant/obedient with everyone?) was more easily led astray by the people wanting to build a golden calf to worship.

The thing is, I see myself more like Aaron.  The good older sibling who does as told and tries to do the right thing.   A people pleaser....and that can lead me astray.  Not only do I look to others for my worth or to check in on how I am doing, but I desperately want to please everyone and make everyone happy.

Interesting how God chose to use Moses, the spark-plug of the family, instead of Aaron the people-pleaser.

What about Moses did God like?  Why did God pick to make HIM the one who would save his people from Pharoah?

The more I have been reading and studying, I am coming to the conclusion that God chooses the LEAST LIKELY people to do his work, because then GOD gets all the glory.  God chose the smallest little brother (David) to defeat Goliath and become king.  God chose the younger deceitful brother to father the nation of Israel.  God chose Saul, the killer of Christians, to write a large portion of the New Testament and spread his Word to the Gentiles.  Don't get me wrong, God uses obedient people like Noah (ark) and Mary (mother of Jesus) too, but he often uses the least likely....

Here's the thing...as I have been reading and wondering why God chose Moses instead of Aaron, and sensing myself to be be more like Aaron, I wonder what I should do about it? 

I see myself this way:  I am a VERY independent person.  I like to do things all on my own.  I don't want help.  I will literally do things in a WAY harder way, just so I can say I did it on my own.  I rarely ask anyone for help of any kind because I hate being indebted to anyone and I love the feeling that I am self-sufficient.  I can take care of things...I can handle three kids 4 and under...I can cook all the meals, be a great mom, do it all and bring home income from tutoring... I can do things all by myself - without help - from others ...........or from God???????? 

WAIT. WOAH.  Did I REALLY just write that?  That is so bad!  Did I just say that???  Uffda.  Yikes.  I have never thought about it quite as intensely as I am right now...but my pride in trying to do things all on my own makes me act in ways that really can appear like I don't need God.  Anyone in that boat is seriously never going to be used by God, right?  Because people like that would attribute all success to themselves, and not to God.

While being independent and liking to do things on my own, and strongly disliking EVER asking ANYONE for help EVER is not a sin, the heart that goes with it can really be sinful....problem is, a prideful heart is too blind to even see the need for change until it is broken.

I feel like this realization is hitting me like a cold rag in the face because I have always tried to be the best me I can be and do the right thing and do everything perfectly.  Yes, I am a perfectionist.  And as long as I work hard enough, I can do it, right?

NO.  If I want to be used by God (WHICH I DO!), I need to die to myself DAILY and tell him I need him....and not just lip sinc the words, but I need to honestly BELIEVE I need him.  How does that happen?  Well I have been praying a very dangerous prayer..that I am honestly deathly afraid to pray...that God would show me how much I need him (yikes - what is he going to allow to happen so that I feel utterly helpless?) so I can run to him and then he can use me for his glory.  That is really all I ever have wanted - to be used by God and to do his will...I just haven't been thinking about it right.  It's not about ME trying really, really hard to do God's will, its about me needing God and him using me.

Well, nothing like parenting to knock ya to your knees...I can be the best parent out there (And so I try!) and yet kids are born with disobedient hearts like the rest of us.  I don't have perfect kids.  Not even close.  And trying to train them in obedience is a task that can truly knock me to my knees - if I let it.  I could say - "I've got it - I'll try this method and that method and then look at what a great parent I am".  Or, I can truly need God and have him use me as HE parents my kids...WOAH...how much better would THAT be?!?!?  The one who created my kids...parenting them?? The one who knows their purpose and their strengths, parenting them?? How much BETTER would that be than ME?  That makes me excited - yes that would be so cool if God could just step down and parent my kids perfectly ... through me.  But I have to need him for him to use me....

I need to daily come begging God for his help.  I don't like asking for help.  It isn't fun.  It makes me feel like I can't do it on my own.  It makes me feel like I am not enough.  It hurts my pride.  But that is so good.  THAT is the only way God can truly use me...May I not live this life striving for perfection on my own, but may I live a life that truly allows God to live through me.

I truly think it will be a daily battle.  And I really think that I won't always like (initially) being used by God...to do unpleasant things like telling Pharoah to let God's people go.  But to free a large group of people from slavery????  Yes please.  I pray God would use me to help free me kids, neighbors, family, and friends from the slavery of sin whose chains can ONLY be broken by belief in Christ's death on the cross and admitting that we can't do it on our own.

I don't want to be a Pharisee.  I don't want to try to do things perfectly on my own yet have an ugly heart that God can't use.  God gave me one life to live...may HE live it through me.